Place your bets on the likely odds of an unlikely exit

IN AN interview given at the weekend to a German magazine, John Major (the British Prime Minister) is quoted as saying that he is not going to resign just yet. Instead, he said that he would 'step down when people least expect it'.

Assuming that Mr Major keeps his word, this is just the sort of promise that the British people love, because it gives us a chance to get involved in yet more prognostication and wild speculation, which is as near as most of us come to being involved in the democratic process these days.

In other words, it gives us yet another chance to do some wagering.

Accordingly, I am opening a book today on the nature of the unlikely and unexpected circumstances under which Mr Major will be stepping down. Yes, you can actually place your money on Mr Major's resignation.

Here is a selection of the odds I am offering . . .

10,000-1: Mr Major resigning after making a speech beginning, 'I am sorry - I now realise that I have made a balls-up of everything . . .'

6,000-1: Mr Major resigning with the immortal words: 'One of the basics you have to get back to is the principle that you resign when you are no longer wanted.'

5,000-1: It being discovered that John Major and John Birt are in reality twin brothers who were separated at birth, and it being obvious that the Government and the BBC cannot in all honesty be run by brothers and it being obvious that one of them will have to resign and it becoming clear that Mr Birt has no intention of going, Mr Major then resigning.

5,000-1: Mr Major resigning to form a new comedy team with Ernie Wise, on the hitherto untried and revolutionary concept of having two straight men in a duo, and no comedian.

4,000-1: Mr Major resigning after being found tied and gagged in the back room of a Happy Eater, wearing nothing except a Happy Eater apron.

3,000-1: Mr Major resigning from his new home address in Brazil, the day after large sums of money are found missing from a hitherto unknown emergency Tory party fund.

2,000-1: Mr Major resigning the day after signing a huge contract with HarperCollins to write a book provisionally entitled Why I Resigned at the Most Unexpected Moment.

2,000-1: Mr Major resigning after an ill-advised guest appearance on The Archers, in which he singles out Eddie Grundy as an exemplar of private enterprise

1,500-1: Mr Major resigning moments after being found bleeding to death on the floor, surrounded by the conspiratorial figures of Michael Portillo, Michael Heseltine, Kenneth Clarke, etc, all holding dripping daggers and all protesting their innocence and unwillingness to be considered for the leadership.

1,500-1: Mr Major resigning to celebrate the millionth time he has said, 'The polls said I wasn't going to win the last election and they got that wrong, so anything that people now speculate about me must be wrong as well.'

1,300-1: After a sudden resurgence in the polls showing him to be the most popular PM of all time, Mr Major resigning to honour his statement that the polls are always dead wrong.

1,200-1: Mr Major resigning while breaking down under remorseless sarcasm from Jeremy Paxman, when Mr Paxman says: 'You said you would go when least expected. Well, nobody expects you to resign on this programme. Why not do it now and put us all out of our misery?'

1,000-1: Mr Major resigning after being visited in a vision by St Christopher, the patron saint of travellers, who finally makes him understand why the Tory policy on railways is such a disaster.

800-1: Mr Major resigning and joining the Roman Catholic Church in protest against having a woman like Virginia Bottomley in charge of the NHS.

700-1: Mr Major resigning after being found with his hands round his wife's throat, shouting: 'If I hear another opera record played in this house, I think I shall go round the twist] In fact, I'm not sure I haven't gone round the twist already]'

300-1: Mr Major resigning after getting a very lucrative offer to go on Margaret Thatcher's lecture circuit, talking on the subject of 'Trying - And Failing - To Live Up To Her]'

100-1: Mr Major resigning after the revelation that he had got another eight O-levels and 3 A-levels, which he was persuaded to keep quiet about to avoid looking elitist.

3-1: Mr Major resigning shortly after going to various bookmakers and staking enormous sums of money (in disguise and under a false name) that Mr Major would resign before the next election.

This is only a small selection of what we offer. Send blank cheque now for full list.