Terence Blacker: Let me through, I'm a spin doctor

'If Santa's not for real, people will ask, then who else is fake? The baby Jesus? God? Tony himself?'

Many of you will be aware that a news management problem attended a recent e-mail from this department. It was suggested that those of us who advise the Government actually saw death, suffering and war as some kind of communications opportunity. There have been slapped wrists and a full oh-whoops-sorry apology from the minister.

But at times like these, it is essential that we go resolutely about our business. For this reason, we plan to activate the following war-linked promotional activities while the attention of the media is diverted by the ongoing hostilities.

The coughing major problem

Our boys will be going in on the ground soon, and no way will it help the war effort if the best-known army officer in the country is a bloke rumoured to have won Who Wants to be a Millionaire? with the help of messages coughed in morse code from friends in the audience.

Now would be a good time to put the squeeze on the programme-makers to drop these allegations, which can only undermine morale of the armed forces. The programme should then be aired with maximum PR ground support and in a suitably patriotic spirit – eg Land of Hope and Glory, pics of countryside in springtime, SAS yomping to Goose Green etc as the major collects his cheque. Any resistance to this idea and we'll just have send in special forces to take out Chris Tarrant.

Christmas: a public-private partnership

It is time to bury the Yuletide problem for good and all. The fact that its key presentational figure, Santa Claus, does not exist seems certain to leak out at some point, and, as usual, the Government will get the blame. If Santa's not for real, people will ask, then who else is fake? The baby Jesus? God? Tony himself?

So at the next good moment (the bombing of a village, perhaps) we should announce that Christmas is to be modernised by a privatisation programme, to be spearheaded by – who else? – Virgin. The whole religious bit will remain in public ownership, but Father Christmas, an inappropriate, non-viable presentational unit, will be replaced by Sir Richard Branson: still bearded but thinner, younger and more on-message than the fat geezer with a silly hat and irritating laugh.

Joan Collins's legs

In one part of the West End, Sue Ellen is giving it the full frontals, and down the road, Joan Collins is kitted out in corsets and suspenders. What can we expect next – Dame Thora Hird in Chicago? The nation is in denial about age, and now is a good time to awaken it from its romantic stupor. Send in a special operations squad to turn the lights full up when Sue Ellen lets her towel drop – that'll soon clear the theatre. Then get the dirty-tricks mob to sabotage Joan's suspenders. They aren't just holding her stockings up but her legs, too.

A promotion for Tony

That "dead or alive" thing – it goes for the enemy at home too. Let's kick some butt! Tony may have a pretty satisfactory 107 per cent approval rating in the polls but it's time to look at the bigger picture, aspiration-wise.

Now would be a good time to set up a simple but strangely moving miracle. A manna-from-heaven thing for a starving country? Maybe some kind of Lazarus scenario involving a Tommy, a fireman or any other available hero? It is important that we should not be seen as openly advocating canonisation, although the usual tame columnists can be wound up and set to work.

The gas-mask shortage

Here's one to slip between military briefings. The slightly embarrassing thing is, we're a bit short of gas masks.

At some point, Tony should go on air with the usual crisis message – life must go on, Blitz spirit, bulldog breed, ask-not-what-my-country-can-do-for-me, "tis a far far better thing", blahdy blah.

Then, in a casual but concerned way, he might mention that, if anything a touch biological or even chemical drifts our way, there is no need to panic. We are fully prepared and would distribute masks and protective suits in the following order of priority: 1) the communications office and special advisers; 2) the Cabinet (with the exception of Clare Short); 3) a few of the more co-operative civil servants; 4) there is no 4.

Miles Kington is away