The Sketch: Lie-ability seems to follow our Mr Byers

A moment of truth in the House yesterday, as Stephen Byers stood at the dispatch box. He was trying to say "reliability" but got stuck in the middle. "Relie-lie-lie-ability" he said. How we savoured the sweet moment.

And not just the Freudian stutter. The connection between "lie ability" and "liability" would have satisfied the most demanding cryptic crossword compiler. I thought he looked a little dry-mouthed, I hope he's all right. I've been offering odds of two to one that he'll keep his job. This was before the row about his lunch revelation of the timetable for the euro referendum. You'd think he'd look a little pressured, wouldn't you? He has the worst ministerial poll rating in Britain. Worse than Mrs Thatcher during the poll tax. He has an android's capacity for calm.

In the House, Labour now heckle his opposite number, Theresa May, so angry are they that she didn't secure Mr Byers' resignation. The Tories cheer her for the same reason. Their (rather desperate) spin is that Byers is better festering volcanically on the front bench than retiring into decent obscurity.

The Sketch supports Mr Byers because it enjoys the crude morality fable of a man experiencing the consequences of his actions. These will take some time to emerge (massive grants to Railtrack's successor, no transfer of risk to private sector, our first big collision of passenger planes). We can observe the subtle and evasive dialect he uses to communicate as little as possible. "I want to give local government the freedom to invest and determine their own priorities." What does that mean? Does it have content? It certainly needn't mean local governments will have the freedom to determine their own priorities.

Remember, this is the man who said: "I had absolutely nothing to do with and no discussion about" that matter (it no longer matters what). Listen to it. "Absolutely nothing". It's impossible to be more definite than "absolutely nothing". Later in the House, the absolutism evaporated as he said: "If my answers ... gave the impression ... that is obviously something I regret." Astonishing. "If"? And: "Gave the impression"? Yesterday he was talking about affordable housing. He said we were seeing a small increase in it. Technically, this ought to mean we were seeing a significant loss of affordable housing. And so it proved. Geoffrey Clifton-Brown angrily said accommodation had fallen from 150,000 places to 95,000 under this Government, that people in bedsits had tripled since the last election and that 6,600 children were long-term in bedsits. Mr Byers said he wanted to see 100,000 new or refurbished affordable homes.

He asked to be judged on his record. In four years. He also said the refranchising of South West Trains was an opportunity to secure real improvements for the travelling public, and that improvements were taking place even while negotiations were taking place.

In four years we mustn't be surprised to hear him saying: "If my answers gave the impression there was going to be more affordable housing, more reliable railways, and improvements for the travelling public that is obviously something I regret." Note for lexicographers of the absurd: John Spellar must be included for the stupidest new phrase of the year: A study group is "working towards priority identification". He meant they are closer to deciding what to do.

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