Politics is enough to drive you to drink Irn-Bru

'Why is Tony Blair trying to bring democracy to Afghanistan when he doesn't believe in it at home?'

"I see that Mandelson is being groomed for another return to power," said the man with the dog.

It was Wednesday in the pub. On Wednesday people are allowed to talk politics. It's forbidden most other nights. On other nights people tend to talk about TV sitcoms. Personally, I am finding it harder and harder to see the difference between politics and TV sitcoms any more. But I keep my views to myself.

"What difference will it make?" said the lady with the orange hairdo. "Sometimes Mandelson's in favour, sometimes he's out of favour. What's the difference? What difference does it make who's in charge at all?"

"Because it's a democracy," said the resident Welshman.

"No, it's not," said the man with dog. "Not the way Blair runs the show. The other day he was addressing the Ghanaian parliament on how to run the world, which was a bit rum when you think he doesn't like appearing in the British parliament much. And he keeps telling us he's trying to bring democracy to Afghanistan! Why on earth is Blair is trying to bring democracy to Afghanistan when he doesn't believe it in at home? Can anyone tell me that?"

"Well," said the resident Welshman, "maybe it's because he tried bringing it to Wales and Scotland, and it didn't work there, so thought he would give it a last go in Afghanistan. If it doesn't work there, he'll finally give up on it."

"There was a piece in the paper the other day, "said the man with the dog, "which said the reason Blair didn't consult his Cabinet wasn't that he distrusted democracy but that he didn't trust his Cabinet. Thought they were all wusses."

"What's the Cabinet got to do with democracy?" said the woman with the orange hairdo. "They're all appointed by Blair, so you might expect them to do what he wants."

The lady with the orange hairdo changes the colour of her hair according to her tipple of the moment, so we all expected her to step up to the bar and get an orange juice or maybe a Bucks Fizz. You can imagine our surprise when she boldly asked for (and got) a gin and Irn-Bru. Irn-Bru is certainly orange. It's orange in the bright, grim way that orange drinks that don't actually have any real orange in them are orange, or in the way that the spots on some venomous toadstools are bright orange. Nobody said anything. We wanted to see her expression when she tried it.

"Anyway, I see that Mandelson is being groomed for another return to power," said the man with the dog.

He sometimes does this. If he thinks the conversation has taken a false turn, he will deliberately go back a couple of minutes and force us to start again at the same point.

"Not many people come back from being Secretary of State for Northern Ireland," said the Major. "It sunk Mo Mowlam. Mandelson hasn't recovered, yet. It finished off plenty of others. And the chap who's got Northern Ireland on his plate at the moment... What's his name?"

Nobody was quite sure. We took an unofficial poll on it, just as Jonathan Dimbleby sometimes does in Any Questions. Seven people abstained. Three people said John Reid, three people said Vic Reeves, and one thought it actually might be Jonathan Dimbleby himself. So much for democracy in action. Actually, I sometimes think that democracy is overrated and that Blair might have a point. But I keep my views to myself.

"Oh my God," said the lady with the orange hairdo.

She had just taken her first sip of gin and Irn-Bru. Nobody said anything. We wanted to see how brave she would be with the rest.

"Oh my God", she said, "it's horrible. How can the Scots possibly drink this?"

"That's democracy for you," I said. "The Scots people have freely and fairly decided that IrnBru is their national non-alcoholic drink."

"Yes, and they also have the worst diet in the known world," said the man with the dog. "Is that democracy in action? Have the Scots freely and fairly opted for fried food, fatty feasting and universal heart attacks? And having so opted, is it undemocratic of anyone to try to improve their diet and health?"

"I seldom spring to the defence of the Scots," remarked our resident Welshman, "but..."

But what? What can a Welshman possibly think of in favour of the Scots? Continued tomorrow...!