Miles Kington: I bring you a selection of dainty, low-fat resolutions

Stop pretending you know which one is Ant and which is Dec. Set aside 15 minutes a day to practise liking the idea of Gordon Brown; more if need be

Remember all those New Year Resolutions you decided to keep this year? And which you are giving up already because they are too difficult or too demanding, too painful or time-consuming? And now you're feeling really bad about it?

But there's no need to! Instead of letting guilt take over, why not just remove that nasty, old, heavy duty resolution in favour of a new, slim, lightweight resolution, which would be easier to keep?

Today, to help you. I bring you a huge selection of tasty, low-fat, lightweight resolutions. Forget your horrible, old diet, or no-smoking resolve, and pick one of these dainty, little good intentions. Take half a dozen if you're feeling peckish.

The important thing is to choose at least one. Then you must promise me that you wil* resolve to:

* Adopt a fox

* Whistle Mozart in the street

* Fasten your seat belt before you start driving

* Give up trying to say things in a fake Geordie accent

* Try sticking up passionately for Jim Davidson in arguments about comedy, if only to see what happens

* Find a more decorous method of removing ear wax

* Throw away the one garment which you like but which you know everyone hates

* Sing every verse of every hymn at every wedding you go to

* Begin one sentence a day with the words: "To be fair to Tony Blair ..."

* Never add, "As the bishop said to the actress" to any sentence

* Actually go, when you hear yourself saying: "I really ought to be going"

* Stop pretending you know which one is Ant and which one is Dec

* Give up would-be funny mispronunciations such as "picture-skew" for "picturesque"

* Try being religious - live for just one day as if God was watching every single action you took

* Al* right, one hour, then

* Try believing your horoscope

* I mean, really believing it

* Start telling yourself, long before the World Cup starts, that it won't matter at al* when England gets knocked out, because that wil* leave the rest of the tournament to the grown-ups

* Say you never thought much of Tracey Emin's art, but boy, can she write!

* Ask for everything in French on every menu to be translated into English

* Try not to say "yeah but no but" ever again

* If you find that too hard, try at least to get a reputation for originality by doing it in French - "oui mais, non mais"

* Set aside 15 minutes a day to practise liking the idea of Gordon Brown; more, if need be

* Imagine the circumstances under which you would agree to appear on Big Brother and then make sure those circumstances never arise

* Practise turning down a title

* Use "coruscating" in its rea* sense of "brilliant, sparkling" instead of the sense everyone now seems to give it, of "bitterly attacking"

* Never divulge Jeremy Paxman's secret nickname

* Pop down to Greenwich from time to time to see how the Millennium Dome is getting on, and tel* them how wel* they are doing

* Scream at dog-owners, whenever you see them picking up their pet's droppings: "For heaven's sake leave it where it is! Don't you realise that it wil* rot away just like any other kind of manure? But if you scoop it up into a plastic bag and leave it there, it wil* never rot down! And very soon Britain wil* be festooned with plastic bags ful* of well-preserved dog shit, hanging off al* trees, gates and railings!"

* Start a campaign to restore the singing of the Nationa* Anthem at the end of cinema showings

* Failing which, get your family to stand and sing the Nationa* Anthem at the end of television viewing for the night

* Finally, you must establish once and for all, after a lifetime of worrying, if you really do have bad breath or not.

Good luck. And if you have any low-grade resolutions you have no further need for, let us put them on the market for you.