I was on holiday during the Brexit chaos – what did I miss?

Our cab driver could talk of nothing else on the way back from the airport and by the time we got home, I felt like I was drowning in it all over again

Obviously I’d heard snippets and was vaguely in the loop but forgive me, I had tagines to eat and leather slippers to try on (Chris Tubbs)

The old man and I have just returned from a week’s painting holiday in Morocco which was possibly one of the best weeks of my entire life. Picture if you will, swimming in November in an outdoor pool under the snow-capped Atlas Mountains with the sun blazing down, white roses blooming next to orange trees in the garden and the sky the exact colour of my cerulean blue acrylic paint.

Of course some days it rained, but ain’t that always the way? Life is a series of the rough and the smooth and I’m increasingly realising that the smooth must be grabbed and cherished, before the rough creeps in, turns you upside down and shakes you by the ankles.

Highlights of my Marrakesh adventure include: the Jardin ​Majorelle (owned by Yves Saint Laurent) with its huge variety of outlandish cacti, the Berber Museum, roadside camel spotting and the souk in the Medina.

I also saw a jumping Moroccan hedgehog, leaping between cacti and olive tree, a sight which filled me with such joy that I filled up with tears in the villa’s yoga studio. Yup it was that kind of holiday. Sorry to be so appallingly smug.

Anyway, we’re home now, sans mountain, pool and pomegranate tree and what an extraordinary week of news we’ve missed out on. Whilst we were happily daubing away, TV-less and radio free in Africa, Blighty was falling to pieces. It seems our poor old beleaguered head girl Theresa May (let’s face it no one ever voted her prime minister) had delivered some duff draft Brexit deal, which resulted in her being repeatedly stabbed in the back by her snivelling cabinet and almost snowed under by a blizzard of resignation letters.

Obviously I’d heard snippets and was vaguely in the loop but forgive me, I had tagines to eat and leather slippers to try on and anyway I was trying to relearn the rules of perspective for the umpteenth time. It all kind of floated by me.

But as soon as we landed back at Gatwick, bang, it hit us again, that tide of Brexit chaos came instantly crashing over our heads, complete with its familiar atmosphere of barely suppressed panic and upset.

Our cab driver could talk of nothing else and by the time we got home I felt like I was drowning in it all over again and my recently argan oil massaged shoulders immediately started to knot up. You could almost hear the sinews in my neck clenching.

It’s the divide in the country that upsets me the most. The fact that half of us feel set against the other half, plus the worry that if we did have another referendum none of us could be sure of the outcome and that this horrific chess game could go on forever.

So with this “divide fatigue” in mind, I was a bit put out to hear that London’s BFI Imax cinema at Waterloo is currently hosting a 400ft long, 50ft high advert for the new Grinch movie that for some unknown reason also includes the message, “Welcome to south London, this is your last chance to turn around” on the north side of the building. Oh hahaha, my sides are aching… Meanwhile, on the other side of the building is the contrasting message, “You are now heading north of the river, try to contain your excitement.” Yawn.

OK, let me put my cards on the table, I am a proud South Londoner. This is where I choose to live and pay my mortgage. This is where Tate Modern, the Royal Festival Hall, Old and New Vic and the National Theatre sit, to say nothing of London’s finest parks, Greenwich, Dulwich and Battersea. I could defend south London till the cows come home. Oh hello: the Cutty Sark, the National Maritime Museum, Imperial War Museum, etc. But the fact is, I shouldn’t need to, because this north London/south London divide is so old hat and silly and unnecessary and boring, that I cannot believe anyone sat down for longer than 10 minutes and thought this idiotic slogan was a good idea.

At a time when there is enough division in the country, we really don’t need to hark back to this lazy outdated nonsense. I’ll forgive a Moroccan tour guide doing Del Boy impressions at me when I mentioned I came from near Peckham, but not an advertising agency.

I’ve had enough “us against them”, it’s small minded and parochial. I don’t know if the advert is designed to be deliberately annoying, if so, then it’s definitely worked, well done you’ve got my back up, now what?

Because what this advert doesn’t make me want to do is part with my money at the box office. In fact if I wanted to see The Grinch (which I don’t) I would make sure I saw it in one of south London’s premier cinemas, preferably the Peckhamplex which is independent, licensed and where you can still see a recent Hollywood blockbuster for £4.99. So you can put that in your pipe and smoke it BFI IMAX.