Paul Merson reveals he came close to taking his own life last year during battle with alcoholism and depression

Ex-England footballer found himself holding tablets with suicidal thoughts but reveals how nearly a tear sober has helped him on the road to recovery

Former England footballer Paul Merson has revealed how close he came to taking his own life last year during a battle with depression.

The 51-year-old is best known for his professional career with Arsenal, Aston Villa and Portsmouth among many other clubs, as well as winning 21 caps for the international team between 1991 and 1998.

But he has also been blighted by alcohol and gambling addictions in the past, and with this weekend’s FA Cup third-round fixtures kicking off a minute later than normal as part of the Football Association’s mental health campaign, Merson has opened up on his own illness that nearly ended with him killing himself at the start of 2019.

“On Monday I’ll have been sober for a year. But this time last year, I wanted to kill myself,” Merson wrote in a revealing column for the Daily Star.

“I couldn’t go on any more. I just couldn’t see a way out. I had the tablets in my hand. I didn’t take enough to do anything but I had them there. With vodka. It was scary.

“It was only because of the kids really, and my wife, and a little bit of consciousness, that I didn’t. Fear probably as well. I was scared to do it. When you’re in that place, you don’t see how it’s ever going to pass. But I have the tools now. If I get into a real down situation, I know it will pass.

“So when I see this weekend’s FA Cup games kicking off a minute later to raise awareness for mental health I will remember that time when things got dark and think: ‘Thank god that’s not how I feel any more.”

Merson has not had a drop of alcohol in nearly a year, having made the decision on 6 January last year to take himself to Alcoholics Anonymous and find a way to discover the path to recovery.

In the past, the former midfielder has relied on the help offered to him from the Professional Footballers’ Association or from clubs such as Arsenal and Walsall, but this time the motivation to find a way out of his dark place came from within.

“For me, it’s always been the drink,” he added. “When you start drinking, everything goes out of the window. You don’t care about anything. You don’t even care about yourself.

“On Monday I’ll have been a year sober. One day at a time. It’s hard for people who are not going to meetings to live in the day. I keep my life to one day at a time.

“I don’t think: ‘Oh my God what am I going to do in a month’s time?’ My head is in a much better place to where it used to be. I would ask myself: ‘How could I be like that? Why do I keep on gambling? Why do I drink?’ I’m hurting people around me and I keep on doing it.

“I thought it was me. But as soon as you find out it’s an illness it opens up your eyes to understand you are not a bad person. You are an ill person trying to get well.

“That’s what I’ve taken out of it – and my life is 100 times better. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad days. But the bad days are better than they were before. I don’t have to put a drink in me to squash anything. I accept that I’m not well. And every day, so long as I don’t pick up a drink, I won't get worse.”