Me and my Christmas tree

Jenny Eclair, comedian

I purchased the gold Christmas tree in a bad temper because anything remotely to do with Christmas makes me seethe with fury; I can't stand any of that goodwill nonsense. To symbolise the meanness of spirit that I have in my heart at Yuletide I bo ught aparticularly sparse fake tree from Woolworths which cost £4.99. I was rather surprised it cost so much because it really is skeletal, unsymmetrical and one of the branches is bent. You won't see anything like my decor in the pages of Interiors. I have decked the tree with Durex, fags and miniatures of vodka. You should always have alcohol handy, particularly when you are opening crap Christmas presents. When you get bath salts and socks again you can reach for a bottle of vodka off the tree - it'

s less calorific than chocolate. If gift-wrapping gets really dull you can grab a Durex off the tree and have a sly rumpy pump amongst the crumpled paper. At the top of the tree is Bondage Barbie, a doll customised by me and my boyfriend. She's a dyed blonde and looks suspiciously like me. She's got a pierced nipple with a gold ring through it and a safety pin through her ear. She's wearing a blindfold, stockings and suspenders. I had to tell my confused five-year-old, Phoebe Mercedes, that she was a gi rl from the circus. I bought some very gaudy cheap lights with a plug attached, which is good news, because I am 33 years old but can't put a plug on anything. Round the base of the tree is a display of empty fag packets, Durex boxes and stubbed out ciga rettes to give it a bit of a party feel. The tree is also strewn with a purple Gossard wonderbra, to represent what happens at office Christmas parties.