The Top 10: Twitter Jokes

A late Easter treat: a selection of one-liners no longer than 280 characters

(Moose Allain)

Usually at this time of year I would be walking in the countryside, taking a week off and leaving a Top 10 of jokes borrowed from the world’s second-favourite microblogging website for my colleagues to publish in my absence.

As I go for a yomp of the mind instead, here are the jokes – and, as is also traditional, many of them are from the brilliant Moose Allain, who also draws (see above). Visit his shop and buy his stuff.

1. I’ve just bought my friends a new boiler and complete central heating system, as a house warming present. Moose Allain.

2. It’s frankly appalling that there isn’t a Rada equivalent for magicians called Tada. Brainmage.

3. Queen: “I’d like some extra-lacy gold work on my new crown please.” Crown maker: “Filigree?” Queen: “I don’t care what he thinks.” Moose Allain.

4. “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?” “That’s a myth.” “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.” Tom Binns.

5. Disneyland is what they call swifts in Scotland. Moose Allain.

6. They say you’ll never get a good job without education but look at Albert Einstein. He dropped out of school and still directed Battleship Potemkin. Bernie Banter.

7. Waiter: “You’re married with a kid when you could be having fun with me. So, what’ll it be, sir?” Customer: “Can I hear the specials again?” Glenny Rodge.

8. Personal trainer: “No pain, no gain.” Me: “Deal.” Abby Cohen.

9. A guy has come to replace my boiler. He seems very nice but doesn’t heat the water up as effectively. Craig Deeley.

10. I see the anti-cauliflower brigade are holding another Ban Cauli Day. Weirdos. Glenny Rodge.

Next week: Unlikely shared interests of political leaders, after Jonathan Aitken recalled Harold Wilson and Richard Nixon singing Gilbert and Sullivan together.

Coming soon: Artists whose instruction to destroy their works after their death was ignored, such as Virgil, whose Aeneid was saved by the emperor Augustus.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk