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The Top 10: Spelling Test Songs

Notable examples of musicians feeling the need to spell it out

John Rentoul
Friday 27 March 2020 19:24 GMT
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The Queen of Soul finds out what it means to her
The Queen of Soul finds out what it means to her

I stole this list from someone called Disabused Catholic.

1. G.L.O.R.I.A. Them (Van Morrison’s band), 1964. Nominated by Dean Bullen, Henry Peacock, Brian Mathieson, Graham Sutton and Paul Keeble.

2. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Aretha Franklin, 1967. She ad-libbed more words to Otis Redding’s original song, including spelling out the title. Thanks to Rob Yeldham, Steven Richards and Henry Peacock.

3. D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Tammy Wynette, 1968. Has to be included, I suppose, as it is the famous one. Worth it for the pastiches: Billy Connolly’s version, in which the dog bites his L.E.G. (nominated by Mark Ramsbottom), and U.N.C.O.U.P.L.E.D, from Starlight Express, by Lloyd Webber and Richard Stilgoe (Star Man and Henry Peacock).

4. F.I.R.E.I.N.C.A.I.R.O. The Cure, 1979. “Must be the most difficult due to the speed it is sung at,” said Derek McAlone.

5. P.E.R.S.P.E.C.T.I.V.E. “How Men Are”, Aztec Camera, 1987. Strange word to spell out in the middle of the lyrics, but a popular nomination, from Debra Stottor, David Hurren and Paul Greatrix.

6. R.E.V.I.V.A.L. Eurythmics, 1989. One of Disabused Catholic’s original nominations.

7. R.A.M.O.N.E.S. Motörhead, 1991. Embarrassing tribute to their friends and contemporaries, the Ramones. “Became a staple through to the end,” said Robert Boston.

8. F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E. Pulp, 1995. Thanks to Tom Peck, Steven Fogel and Matt Roberts.

9. L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. Noah and the Whale, 2011. Thanks to the Church Mouse, Steven Fogel and Paul Manning.

10. A.R.C.H.I.E. in “Archie, Marry Me”, Alvvays, 2014. I like it.

There are an awful lot of them, and most of them are terrible. No room, I’m afraid, for D.I.S.C.O. Ottawan, 1979, another of Disabused Catholic’s original nominations, supported by Debra Stottor (you need the video for the full horror); or for M.E.T.H.O.D.O.F.L.O.V.E., an inexplicable lyric in a song called “Method of Modern Love,” Daryl Hall & John Oates, 1984, nominated by John Durbin and Paul Greatrix.

Also bubbling under the Top 10: “Lola,” the Kinks (Henry Peacock); “Oklahoma,” Rogers and Hammerstein (“surprisingly difficult to get it right in the excitement of an amateur production,” said John Wilkin); P.A.S.S.I.O.N. Rhythm Syndicate, U.N.I.T.Y. Queen Latifah, G.U.Y. Lady Gaga, F.E.A.R. Ian Brown, D.A.N.C.E. Justice, L.O.V.E. Nat King Cole (Steven Fogel); S.U.S. The Ruts, against Thatcher’s sus (stop and search of “suspected persons”) laws in the Seventies (Mark Ramsbottom); and M.I.C.K.E.Y.M.O.U.S.E. from “Mickey Mouse Club March” (Graham Fildes).

Someone whom I won’t embarrass by name tried to nominate “Ringo for President” (R.I.N.G.O.O.O.) by Rolf Harris, which breaks not just one but two of my rules.

Finally, Star Man wins the “there’s always one” category by nominating “5-4-3-2-1”, by Manfred Mann. “There’s always (5-4-3-2) One.”

Next week: Forgotten national crises, such as the 1974 sugar shortage.

Coming soon: Footballers who played better for England than for their own club – I have subcontracted the compilation of this one.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk

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