Just in case you were feeling positive about May’s Brexit talks at Chequers, I’m here to bring you back to reality

Once we’re out of the EU, water companies won’t have to abide by EU laws on clean water, which is marvellous, because it’s our RIGHT to swallow maggots

Mark Steel
Friday 06 July 2018 13:59 BST
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Theresa May's new customs plan 'dead on arrival' in EU

Every week the government has a final summit, where they absolutely have to definitely lay out their detailed proposals on Brexit. Then they announce “After a thorough session lasting 17 hours, we agreed we will not be part of any customs union that we are not a part of, and that if Brexit was a chocolate, it would be a Toffee Crisp, and that an ostrich would win in a fight with a unicorn.”

Twenty minutes later it’s leaked that David Davis snatched Theresa May’s proposals, and fed them to a wild boar lent to him from Jacob Rees-Mogg’s estate, and the boar sicked them up over Philip Hammond, while Boris Johnson screamed “haaaa haaa what a magnificent jape of the highest order, sine qua non one up the arse for the Bosch”.

So the prime minister is asked if she’ll sack Boris and replies it was a fruitful meeting in which there was broad agreement on what’s best for Britain, then do a fake laugh when it’s suggested she’s not in control of her cabinet, just because she’s agreed with Boris’s suggestion that the boar is now made secretary of state for Northern Ireland.

Through all this we assume the EU is obsessed with every suggestion we make, but they’ve already decided most of what they’ll allow. At the last EU meeting, Brexit was lower on the agenda than an agreement on the official title of Macedonia.

By November, reporters will tell us “Theresa May’s meeting with Michel Barnier still hasn’t begun, as she has to wait until the other 27 countries have discussed why scotch eggs have never taken off in Slovakia.”

The most angry Brexity types insist we should do no deal with the EU. This should work, as for example, it would be simple to have no agreement on what happens when someone crosses the Irish border. Instead we’ll see what happens from one day to the next. Some days you’ll drive straight over with a lorry full of fridges and no one will bother you, the next day you’ll stroll across as part of a rambling group from Fermanagh and be gunned down by the military police. Each day will be different, making life exciting in previously uneventful regions.

One argument that’s been used by Brexit fans, especially Nigel Farage, is the EU will agree to whatever we ask in the end, “because they want us to buy their goods, such as their champagne”. This would work, as long as we’re prepared for a mass champagne boycott against the EU’s Brexit rules.

Farage can mobilise his supporters, declaring: “Throughout history it has been shown that it is those prepared to suffer the most, in their belief in justice and liberty, who will prevail. And with the same spirit that drove the heroes of D-Day onto the beaches of Normandy, we declare ourselves ready to endure several more weeks without certain brands of champagne.”

Against this, the most organised opposition to Brexit appears to be from characters such as Nick Clegg, a fine choice as spokesperson, as he exudes trust and integrity and someone prepared to stick stubbornly to his principles.

Asked recently for specific examples of how Brexit will affect people’s lives, he said: “Brexit will mean less safety, fewer jobs and things more expensive in the shops.”

It’s possible that would win people round, though it doesn’t seem to have done so far, maybe because supporters of Brexit have a sneaky way of answering this, which is to say “No it won’t.” You could reply to this, with “Yes it will”, but it’s possible they might retort with “It won’t mate.”

Emma Reynolds called on the Chancellor to look after manufacturing and Jaguar Land Rover post brexit

Maybe this was one of the reasons the Remain campaign lost in the first place, as it was unable to articulate the merits of the EU in clear language. If you say “The EU is good for Britain in terms of jobs and security”, you might as well say “The EU helps us to be perpendicular, whereas outside the EU we’d be more diagonal and go dizzy.”

There do appear to be definite issues over Brexit that affect people’s lives. For example, it was an EU ruling that all employees are entitled to 28 days holiday pay each year, and an EU law that no one should have to work more than 48 hours a week. Presumably most Brexit supporters agree these “EU regulations” should stay. Or maybe they’d say “No, I should be made to work every day, how DARE the EU force me to have a holiday. And under EU law, my employer isn’t allowed to make me wrestle with an orangutan for his amusement during his morning tea break, it’s a flaming liberty, well once we’re out of Europe he can do that again because I’ve got my country back.”

It’s an EU law that orders airlines to pay compensation if a flight’s delayed for three hours. You’d expect Brexit supporters might want to keep that, except the ones that would say “NO. I don’t WANT compensation, how DARE EU bureaucrats tell me I have to receive a pile of money, I LIKE sleeping on a bloke I’ve never met from Exeter in a departure lounge.”

Once we’re out of the EU, water companies won’t have to abide by EU laws on clean water, which is marvellous, because it’s our RIGHT to swallow maggots.

So maybe there’s a compromise, in which we leave the EU but keep most of the EU laws, and have a giant cage in every town, funded by the EU, in which anyone can scream mad things about Europe, such as “I boil an egg how I SODDING WANT, not how the Germans tell me to”, and we can all live with that, we just need a bit of give and take.

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