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It's great when women stop being bashful about our bodies – but parsley in your vagina is a step too far

Who wants remedies dreamt up when medical knowledge was at its most primitive? Give me bang-up-to-date treatments, tested by real scientists

Shaparak Khorsandi
Friday 18 January 2019 17:13 GMT
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Doctors warning women against inserting parsley into vagina to induce periods

As if doctors aren’t busy enough, this week some have had to come out and respectfully ask women not to stick sprigs of parsley up their vaginas.

Following an article in Marie Claire declaring it a way to induce periods, in a rush to prevent women dying from herb-induced toxic shock, doctors are insisting that parsley, organic or not, must’nt be stuffed up your chuff.

I wonder if leading gynaecologists had an emergency meeting to discuss whether they should tell us not to put oregano up there either. And how about asking McDonalds to put a warning on their McFlurries in case some numpty decides to tell us it can cure the common cold if you stick it up your noo-noo.

Marie Claire states that “parsley can help to soften the cervix and level out hormonal imbalances that could be delaying your cycle, helping your periods come faster”. No clinical trials – I repeat, NO clinical trials – have proven that bunging a bit of parsley up your pink taco does anything to bring on your period.

This is not shrubbery snobbery, but if your period is delayed, you could consider seeing a medical professional who has spent years studying hard to help you in a way a garnish never could. I’m always in awe at how stoic and polite doctors are in these situations, faced with having to warn people of the dangers of home remedies. I would not be able to keep my cool. I’d be hollering “TAKE THE SALAD OUT OF YOUR BAJINGO, YOU DAFT BINT”.

It’s hard to write about this without mentionof Gwyneth Paltrow. She has popularised such rituals as “vaginal steaming” which purports to “cleanse” the vagina and uterus by wafting herb-infused steam up them. Again, no medical evidence exists that this provides anything more than a comforting feeling for those who want to do it. I’d have said that a cup of cocoa and a hot water bottle are equally comforting when you have period cramps, and with much less chance of scalding your hoo-ha.

And yet so many fall for these practices. A woman in Argentina died after putting parsley inside herself. Others put their lives in danger during unwanted pregnancies as they have been told that parsley can bring on an abortion. Sure, it might terminate your pregnancy, but at the slight risk of terminating you too.

The fact that we have so many nicknames for the vagina (as I am endeavouring to demonstrate, thank you for noticing) says a lot. Great lengths are taken to avoid just saying “vagina”, while “women’s problems” has long been the absurdly bashful catch-all term for any ailment to do with our gynae bits, from period pains to hysterectomies. It’s all still shrouded in secrecy.

No wonder that most of the “alternative”, “ancient”, and “scientifically baseless” health treatments are aimed at women. And no wonder, perhaps, that some women end up turning to amateur witchcraft in the Tesco veg section.

But perhaps it’s understandable that women search for ways to feel healthier and more comfortable in their skins. Our bodies change a great deal throughout our lives and each change can bring a carnival of aches, pains and bursts of disproportionate grumpiness which make us sound like recalcitrant teenagers when we’re asked a simple question like, “You okay, love?”.

During our periods, our insides contract to flush out blood and cause us pain. Some of us grow actual people inside us, putting our bodies through gargantuan changes, often agony, and sometimes great risk and danger.

As we come down the other side of the mountain, we overheat and sweat our way through the menopause. Pretty much throughout all of these, we are slaves to our hormones which affect our mood, our energy levels, and how well we are able to handle our emotions as we steer ourselves and, perhaps, our dependants through life.

There is a hush around the menopause. Last week, I went to see Meaningless, a brilliant and hilarious show by the comedian Jen Brister. Her riff on how little people know about the menopause is comedy gold – how few even seek any information about the menopause. (She described typing “menopause” into a search engine which guessed she was trying to say “memorable emoji”.)

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Changes in your body as you get older can be frightening. They can make you feel very mortal, and I understand the need to cover all bases.

I was beside myself a couple of years ago when I was told that tumours had been found in my womb. I had two small children, and the devastating fear that I think all mothers have of leaving our children to grow up in the world without us overtook every cell in my body. Turns out “tumour” can mean any old growth including harmless polyps (to any newer GPs reading this, you might want to explain this clearly to patients before uttering the word “tumour” to prevent more people running sobbing from your surgery) which mine thankfully were.

But really, who wants to entrust their health to remedies that were dreamt up when medical knowledge was at its most primitive? Give me bang-up-to-date treatments, created and properly tested by real scientists, any day.

So please, let’s make it more normal to talk about our bodies out loud, to our friends, our parents, our children, and above all, to actual doctors. It’s got to be better than jamming produce up yourself or poaching your vagina.

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