Stay up to date with notifications from The Independent

Notifications can be managed in browser preferences.

Why I'm glad people are finally getting jailed for acting like drunk morons on planes

Most people are guilty of drinking too much from time to time, but if other people suffer because you can’t handle your booze, then that’s a problem

Shaparak Khorsandi
Friday 05 April 2019 18:55 BST
Comments
Newlywed Easyjet passenger who went on homophobioc rant is jailed

In the spirit of almost-Easter, I’d like to share a few almost-seasonal facts that my boyfriend texted me today in a fit of almost-romantic pedantry.

Once upon a time, he told me, the green fields of England were covered with pretty little animals called “coneys”, pronounced to rhyme with “money” and “honey”. Because of the way the word sounded, it gained an extra meaning, making it awkward for people to talk about the animal, in much the same way that calling a “cat” a “pussy” is if you’re not a pornstar.

“To get around the problem”, my beloved cooed, “three common strategies emerged”.

Some people changed the pronunciation to rhyme with "stoney", which lives on in the name of Coney Island, so called because of all the fluffy things hopping around on it. Others changed the sound of the first letter, so that “coney” became “bunny”.

Finally though, everyone agreed to just call a coney by the name of its young, and a baby coney was called a rabbit. So the reason that we call rabbits “rabbits” is because the original name sounded a little way short of PG.

On an entirely unrelated subject, a man by the name of Michael Cunnett was jailed earlier this week after assaulting and directing homophobic abuse at cabin crew on an easyJet flight to Egypt. Cunnett lost his temper after drinking lager and being asked to stop using his e-cigarette on the plane.

Needless to say, there are few things more romantic than getting tanked up in an airport lounge on the first day of your honeymoon. It’s every little girl’s dream, after all, for her Prince Charming to shower bigotry on an air steward for politely enforcing the airline rules against vaping. Alas, the killjoy squares at EasyJet did not share Cunnett’s romantic spirit, and he was summarily thrown off the plane (which, sadly, had yet to take off) with his blushing bride screeching “look at what you’ve done, you’ve f***** our honeymoon!”. Far be it from me to insert myself into their love affair, but perhaps “I WANT AN ANNULMENT YOU MELON” would have been equally justified.

Drunk passenger kicked off flight after ranting at three-year-old

Meanwhile, in business class, Simone Burns – a human rights lawyer of previously “impeccable” character (which, admittedly, is less of a compliment when it has to be delivered by a judge) – took umbrage at being refused a fourth miniature bottle of wine on an Air India flight. Quite understandably, Burns took to charging about the place like a silverback gorilla infuriated that a zookeeper had confiscated its fourth banana.

What is it about booze and air travel? I see it in airports all the time. It’s 6am, and you’re about to be herded into a giant metal cylinder to spend a few hours 30,000 feet up in the air. What better way to prepare than by filling yourself up to the brim with anger juice? You never know, a flight attendant might have the temerity to do his job properly and then you’ll have to teach him a valuable lesson.

No doubt Cunnett would insist that he is significantly less of a violent homophobe before he’s had booze. Burns, I’m guessing, would protest that she is most certainly not a racist and that she would only ever call a flight attendant a “money-grabbing Indian c***” and spit in their face after several miniature bottles of wine. But they were drunk, so it apparently doesn’t count.

On my 21st birthday, I was away at university and I was having a party. My father called me and said “please, smoke as many cigarettes as you like, but don’t drink too much. Drink changes your personality”. Does it though? Or does it haul out the ugliest side of your personality from the back of your wardrobe and dress you up in it for all to see? I did drink on my 21st birthday. I didn’t punch or spit at anyone but, I confess, I did get told off by a policeman at 2am for singing The Cranberries at the residents of Winchester.

But I have had a tricky relationship with alcohol over the years, and am not a complete stranger to drunken belligerence. When I’m sober, I’m very mild mannered. I avoid disagreements and stifle feelings of irritation and so, sometimes, red wine can yank out an affronted, snarly, and weepy version of myself. One year at the Edinburgh festival, I had a rare tantrum when I was denied entry into a late-night performers’ bar because it was too crowded. It was 3am, I was a bit wired from the pressure of the festival and, frankly, I was absolutely bladdered. The poor guy working the door at the packed bar was nothing but friendly and professionally, and received in return a high-pitched and tearfully slurred lecture from me about the importance of allowing comedians to get blackout drunk because “we work so HAAAARD and spend SOOOOOOO much money to be up here and YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”.

The next day, I took a tray of fancy cupcakes, some fizz, and a card to apologise for acting like an utter moron. The man was very sweet, gave me a hug, and told me it was the first time a punter had apologised for their terrible behaviour. That surprised me. I thought he’d have had his bodyweight in cupcakes and fizz over the course of the festival.

But, of course, I was drunk, and so it doesn’t count. Except that it does, doesn’t it? If other people suffer because you can’t handle your booze, then that’s a problem, and the responsible thing to do is to give a bit of thought to how much you’re drinking in the first place.

If you don’t, then don’t be too surprised if you wake up feeling like a bit of a silly rabbit.

Join our commenting forum

Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Comments

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in