Boris Johnson’s statement in Downing Street: what he said – and what he really meant

Our chief political commentator translates the prime minister’s statement outside No 10

What Boris Johnson said: Five weeks ago I spoke to you from these steps and said that this government was not going to hang around and that we would not wait until Brexit day – 31 October – to deliver on the priorities of the British people.

What he really meant: I have been hanging around for five weeks and am starting to enjoy myself.

What he said: As we come to that Brexit deadline I am encouraged by the progress we are making.

What he meant: The deadline is looming; I have no chance of defeating the rebel alliance bill; my government is doomed. I am actually rather discouraged, but I have told myself to cheer up.

What he said: In the last few weeks the chances of a deal have been rising, I believe, for three reasons.

What he meant: Reason one: A no-deal Brexit will be so disastrous I cannot afford to admit it’s where we are heading. Reason two: I am an incurable optimist. Reason three: I have lost touch with reality. No one is shouting “Stop the coup!” at the end of the street.

What he said: But if there is one thing that can hold us back in these talks it is the sense in Brussels that MPs may find some way to cancel the referendum.

What he meant: There are traitors in our midst.

What he said: Or that tomorrow MPs will vote – with Jeremy Corbyn – for yet another pointless delay. I don’t think they will. I hope that they won’t.

What he meant: Of course they are going to. That is what traitors do.

What he said: If they do they will plainly chop the legs out from under the UK position and make any further negotiation absolutely impossible.

What he meant: This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you. I really don’t want to call an election, but I don’t want to do any of the other options even more.

What he said: And so I say, to show our friends in Brussels that we are united in our purpose, MPs should vote with the government against Corbyn’s pointless delay.

What he meant: Nobody wants a no-deal Brexit but if we could just pretend we do, I would be much obliged. But if you can’t be bothered, I have another plan.

What he said: I want everybody to know: there are no circumstances in which I will ask Brussels to delay. We are leaving on 31 October, no ifs or buts.

What he meant: So if the rebel alliance pass their quisling bill, I will have to resign. Actually, I’d rather not do that, it wouldn’t be fair on the dog.

What he said: We will not accept any attempt to go back on our promises or scrub that referendum. Armed and fortified with that conviction I believe we will get a deal at that crucial summit in October.

What he meant: Belief! Conviction! And failing those, a general election.

What he said: In the meantime let our negotiators get on with their work. Without that sword of Damocles over their necks.

What he meant: A classical reference. It’s Cicero, who probably got the story from Timaeus of Tauromenium. But I digress.

What he said: And without an election, which I don’t want and you don’t want.

What he meant: But which we are all going to get, just as soon as I have made it abundantly clear to Brenda of Bristol that I have been forced into it by a treacherous, Remainer parliament. So come on, you rebels, with your European Union (Withdrawal) (No 6) Bill 2019, make my day.

What he said: Let us get on with the people’s agenda – fighting crime, improving the NHS, boosting schools, cutting the cost of living, and unlocking talent and opportunity across the entire United Kingdom.

What he meant: My manifesto will be better than Theresa May’s manifesto. I will be a better campaigner than she, and I will turn up to debates and give Jeremy Corbyn a run for his money.

What he said: Let’s come together and get it done – and let’s get Brexit done by 31 October.

What he meant: Or you can vote for Jeremy Corbyn if you like and make me the shortest serving prime minister in British history, which would serve me right.